Pet Companions in Times of Grief: Why Pets are Sometimes the Best Support

Pet companions have always been a part of my life. If we've ever met, you probably at the very least saw a picture of my pet companion: my little dog Buzz. I often wear a necklace made from an impression of his nose most days. He's an 11 pound dog of unknown heritage who mostly exists on a diet of treats. Buzz is so spoiled that he has 3 beds scattered throughout our house, including on my work desk, just for him. Buzz has always been a cherished member of our family, but when we went through a traumatic event that left us all grieving, he became even more loved for 3 big reasons that helped us all. That's when we learned that pet companions can be the best support during times of grief.

Companioning!

When we were in the immediate aftermath of our traumatic event, we sent Buzz away to go stay with friends. We were in the midst of trying to figure out all the practical things and just needed to not have to worry about his needs for a couple of days. As soon as we had the immediate things straightened out, the first thing we did was go get Buzz. As soon as he was back our family felt better. As an ever-present part of our family life, it felt odd to not have him with us. Out sweet pet companion had to be part of our grief journey, and without even trying, was performing many of the tenets of companioning with our grief. Pet companions walk beside you, sometimes in silence and stillness, though they can infuse a little bit of chaos too.

The comforting touch and curiosity that Buzz brought back with him helped us start and keep moving within our grief, including recognizing what we were going through as grief. The sweet companioning that he brought back to us was promptly palpable. He has always been a beloved member of our family, and this was a magnificent reminder of why. Pet companions are valued family members for 90% of pet owners, so I'm clearly not alone in this thought. Your dog doesn't even have to be a therapy dog to be helpful, though we know that trained therapy dogs are beneficial after traumatic events and during times of grief too.

Pet Companions Require Presence

If you are like me, in the middle of grief my brain spirals. I lean into the what-ifs and frankly forget that I actually have a body that needs nourishment. Pet companions bring us back to the present moment. I'm not suggesting that they actually help remind us to take care of ourselves, but mostly they will at the very least demand that we take care of them. Pet companions can help bring us back to the present moment. Buzz gets very grumpy if we don't feed him. He requires two walks a day, and if he doesn't get them, he'll leave us "reminder presents" on the floor so that we hopefully don't forget next time. He requires my presence by demanding cuddles too. In the midst of my grief, I found comfort in feeling the weight of his body in my lap and stroking his soft fur. His demands, not always quiet, helped get me out of my head and back to the present moment to deal with his immediate needs. Pet companions require our presence to care for them, thanks to that domestication bargain that they've made with us. Watching Buzz pounce on skinks in our backyard has helped me giggle and bring me back to the present moment more times than I can even count.

Pet Companions Don't Judge

No matter what you might think when looking at the face of your pet, they are not judging you. They hold space without judgement. Even if your pet bird can repeat multiple phrases back to you, and even if they sound judgmental, their brains are not capable of judging. The grumpiest of persnickety cats is never judging you. Having pet companions around can help you realize the futility of judgmental attitudes, and remind us to focus on what is actually important in the present moment. When the waves of grief overwhelmed me and I burst into tears at seemingly random moments, Buzz never made me feel judged like my feelings were unjustified or wrong. His lack of language and judgment was a huge comfort to me.

In 2020, we were sure that Buzz saved our sanity during all the struggles of lockdown. In 2023, he helped our grieving family through some incredibly dark moments of stress and grief. His quiet companioning and lack of judgment were incredibly helpful, but honestly helping us stay in the present moment through our grief was the most invaluable and tangible comfort he could have given that we never really understood we needed until we were in it. A pet cannot replace your loss, but the symbiotic relationship that you have together can help bridge quiet moments of your grief. Even years later, when a wave of grief strikes me and I burst into tears, Buzz will sit in my lap, put his chin on my folded hands, absorb my tears in his fur, and comfort me without one single word. That kind of support continues to be priceless. 

Hillary Melchiors is an advanced certified DONA doula and a Lamaze certified childbirth educator who has lived in the SW Indiana area since 2012. She has a Ph.D. in Medical Anthropology and a Master’s degree in Public Health both from Case Western Reserve University. Since founding the Doula Group of Evansville in 2014, Hillary has had a wide variety of professional experiences both as a doula and anthropologist, including  co-authoring with Dr. Angela Castaneda, a chapter titled “Doulas as Witnesses to Obstetric Violence” in the edited volume Obstetric Violence: Realities, and Resistance from around the World. Hillary served as president of the board of directors at DONA International in 2023. In her free time, she enjoys spending time with her partner Andrew, their two children, and her adorable dog, Buzz.

Find her: hillarymelchiors.com 

Instagram: @disruptordoula 

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