Good Men Allow Themselves to Cry: being a bereavement doula as a man

For over two years now, I have been a bereavement doula trained by Haven, and although I have been struck by many things in my ministry, one in particular stands out: there are very few male bereavement doulas! I have been pondering for the last year why there are so few men in this kind of ministry, and I bemoan this fact very much. As I have reflected on this question, I have begun to see that very few men enter the ministry of the bereavement doula, because we do not encourage good men to weep for those whom they lose to death. Thus, I have come to see that one part of my ministry is helping to teach good men how to cry when they lose their loved ones. 

In addition to my ministry as a bereavement doula, I am also a student of Western civilization, and I am a great admirer of the Roman rhetorician, politician, and philosopher Cicero. This great statesman lived at the end of the Roman Republic (106-43 BC) and sought to educate politicians in virtue during a great time of upheaval in Roman society. Despite these accomplishments, I do not consider these as the primary reasons as to why Cicero is one of my heroes. Rather, I admire him because he wept so openly at the death of his daughter Tullia. Cicero loved his daughter his entire life, and when she tragically died due to complications from childbirth, he wept uncontrollably and sought to build her a shrine in honor of her virtue. In response, Cicero’s friends not only criticized him for becoming “obsessed” with building a shrine, but also because he could not stop weeping for his daughter. 

There was a predominant mode of thinking among Romans that real and good men do not cry, especially during a loss; one was not supposed to display their emotions. And yet, Cicero bucked this trend, by showing his fellow countrymen that good men do cry when they lose so many dear to them. Sadly, we do not honor this part of Cicero’s legacy. As good men grieve in today’s society, we still encourage them to keep their chin up, their shoes polished, all buttons buttoned, never showing any emotion whatsoever. If there is a loss, they are supposed to keep their emotions down, rarely being given permission to acknowledge it publicly.  

As a bereavement doula, however, I choose to honor Cicero’s legacy, by walking with men in their grief. I know that there are plenty of good men out there, who feel tremendously when they lose a loved one. Nevertheless, if I walk with them in their grief and listen to their stories of pain, I know that I can act justly. In this way, I can encourage good men to cry and help them to realize that it is very human to mourn their loss. One may not think that there exists any connection between my academic work and my ministry as a bereavement doula, but I can see that there is! By encouraging men to weep in my ministry, I honor the legacy of my hero Cicero, who wept for his daughter. Moreover, by being open like him, I may encourage a few good men to become bereavement doulas!

Photo by Masjid MABA on Unsplash